I'M GOING TO BULGARIA!!!...oh wait...that already happened...

I feel like the title of this blog sums up me feelings right now. 
This summer was a dream. It didn't actually happen. I just thought it did. And it's currently May 2012 and I'm in Kirksville getting ready to leave to spend a week at home with my parents. Then, pack up my things, head on down to Florida for PFO and then go to Bulgaria. Please help me with support raising! 


^ story of my life. It's like my mind can't comprehend being back. America is so stinking weird! I didn't think entering into my native culture would be so awkward. Apparently people get confused when I say "Laka nosht" when I'm half asleep and am about to go to bed. It's like I'm speaking a different language or something. 

I guess I'm just feeling really overwhelmed. This culture moves so fast...I don't like it. There are too many people talking at once and too many people around. The headaches that I've been getting are CRAZY! I was so used to just tuning people out because I couldn't understand what they were saying in Bulgaria...but now I can hear and understand everyone. 

I did the worst thing you could possibly do to a person yesterday. I saw my good friend, Alyssa, at the Costa Rican Cafe here in Kirksville (you should go there btw's...best coffee in town) and we were in mid conversation...literally she was in mid sentence and I just walked away. Completely forgot she was even there, turned and walked away, sat down to do some work and then thought..."did I just walk away from Alyssa while she was talking...? Did I seriously JUST do that...." And I did. Not only that...but I got lost in my own home town a few days ago...yeah that was cool...to just be driving down my street and end up in a town 20 minutes away. How I got lost, I have no idea...I've lived there for about 15 years....soooo try explaining that one. 

I wish I could just summarize this summer into 2 sentences. Ya know someone asks "what did you do this summer?!" and I could just have a quick little blerb describing 2 1/2 months of doing mission work in Bulgaria that completely changed me, my life and my future....no big deal or anything. To describe this summer in a few short quick sentences is a cruel and asinine request. In all honesty, yeah, I could give you all a short little paragraph that would give ZERO justice to the work Christ is doing in Bulgaria, what He did in my life and what I witnessed this summer...but I don't want to do that. I yearn for all of you to feel and understand this summer. I don't want to get angry or frustrated at the fact that you weren't there with me step by step this summer. You didn't experience what I experienced. And no words could even paint a perfect picture of this summer. I think this is the biggest problem I am dealing with now and I want to apologize for this. It isn't any of your faults. It would be the same as if you went away for a summer and tried explaining all of it to me...there would be no way...you would just have to had been there. 

I regards to my future...some of you might be thinking: she's hooked! She's moving to Bulgaria. Haha. Sometimes I for sure would give up anything to be back there right now with those kids. I miss them and love them. I don't know if I'll ever end up in Bulgaria...maybe some day. But I know that if and when I do...God will open those doors. CV, a man that works at NMSI, had a really interesting comment that has stuck with me. He said that "...people always say 'oh, well if God calls me...I'll go...' well...you should read the bible, because He already DID call you." I feel like this could be a calling for me to stay in the states and be with youth here...but I am not longer ruling out going elsewhere now, too. But what I do know for sure is that...I am called to be with youth in some sort of adventure setting. No, I won't get paid much....maybe where I end up I won't get paid and I'll need to support raise. Whatever the case may be...after my experience this summer...I know that God will provide abundantly where ever I go doing His work. The thing I'm most scared of is forgetting that.

So this is where you all come in. I love answering your questions and trying my best to describe to you this summer. I know I probably wont succeed in fully telling you everything...but I ask that you keep asking. And not just asking the simple minded, easy answers. Ask me questions that make me think back and remind me of God's provision. Just like the Israelite's in Egypt...they forgot. I don't want to forget. 

Some verses from this summer I hope you all enjoy to close this out as my last blog entry...

Hosea 12:6

New International Version (NIV)

⁶ But you must return to your God;
    maintain love and justice, 

    and wait for your God always.

Philippians 1:7-11

New International Version (NIV)

⁷ It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart and, whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel, all of you share in God’s grace with me. ⁸ God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus.

⁹ And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight,¹⁰ so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, ¹¹ filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God.

Philippians 4:8-9

New International Version (NIV)

⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ⁹ Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

I love you all, thank you for keeping up with me and supporting me through thought, encouragement/financially and prayer. Continue to keep up with me at my new blog http://whatisthebiggerpic.blogspot.com/

Chao,

сами

Oh. How He loves us, Oh...

Again, I will be doing a Top 5 because of time restrictions. I promise I will go into more detail when I arrive back in the states :)
5. Blow away. I can't tell you how I've been blown away by God and everything He has done this summer. He literally is melting this heart of stone. Last summer I heard every one of my campers stories and was hardened to everything I heard. It was like I had no emotion. This summer, the connection and overwhelming sense of emotions with these campers and their stories is crazy. I didn't know I was capable of the emotions I have been feeling. God is so good.
4. Going out with a Bang. We are in the middle of our last week of camp. These kids are great and I'm learning so much from them already. I am so happy and blessed to be ending out time here with another group of kids.
3. Unity. God has provided such unity amongst our group here this summer. I love our team and I will miss them in this life to come, but an comforted with the knowledge that if I don't see them in this life time, I will be reunited with them in the next.
2. Mama Ducks birthday. While celebrating BSue's 23rd Birthday, I felt such a connection with Jesus. In preparing her gift of 24 encouragement notes...I dove into the word. After I finished about half of the letters, BSue saw me and said that I was glowing...I had no idea the word could have that effect on me. How cool.
1. Orphaned. While we were meeting in the park one day, some kids ran up and just sat there and watched us. Finally they asked Gabe "Are you godly people?" (I didn't know what they were saying at first because it was in Bulgarian). He said we were and they continued to watch us. I got up and started to play with them, and later our translator and new, dear friend and brother, Backo (pronounced Vasko)  joined me and the little kids. They started calling me "aunt" and taught me a lot of new games. Someone called for them and they ran off....then Vasko turned to me and said they were from the orphanage. It broke my heart that these children didn't have a home to call their own. My heart continued to break to find out that these 7-8 year old kids were already wrapped up in drugs and alcohol. I continue to pray and ask you to pray as well for these kids. They are God's children.

Awesome ending note: There has been a group of woman BSue and I see almost everyday. They work at the coffee shop and we have grown to love them very much. I decided to write them a letter and Bsue included a picture of the four of us. Our picture is now hanging in that coffee shop and then next time we went in they gave me free coffee and wanted to trade contact information. HOW COOL IS THAT!!!!

GOD BLESS, Y'ALL. I love you guys.
Sammi

He is jealous for me...

Top 5 things of this past week:
5. Vacation-we got to go to a hotel and spend 2 nights relaxing and spending time together as a team. It's the first real break we have gotten together since the beginning of the summer. It was a great time or recovery. I got out a lot of my frustrations with God while we were there and He showed me a lot on a run I had the first night. I'm finding myself in an even bigger desperation for Him which can be hard for someone who doesn't like NOT being in control.

4. Camping! When we got back we jumped right in and had a camping trip where 3 youth came. It was a great time to spend with them. These are some kids that we have been spending time with all summer and it was funny to see their reaction to me being quiet. Those of you who might not know me as well haven't seen the "quiet" side of me...but it's there. And no, it doesn't mean I'm upset, haha. It took the girls by surprise though and they were determined to figure me out. It was pretty funny.

3. WTF: WOAH the future. Yep...that is still kicking me in the butt. I have no idea what the future holds for me and God seems to keep opening doors. Please, I'm asking for prayer. I want to be lead to something, I'm just not sure what God wants me to do yet.

2. Letting people in and injuries. I am letting people in, I feel like, finally after 2 months of being here....it's been hard...but everyone has been patient with me. They are loving me despite my weird humor and odd quirks. They have supported me in my journey with Christ and I feel very blessed. As far as the injuries: I know what most of you are thinking..."I knew this was coming..." I promise it isn't as bad as normal. Little things here and there...got a nasty spider bite on my foot now...so that's been the most frustrating. It's kind of painful, but it seems to be getting better. No hospital visits yet! So, I feel like that is something the celebrate :)

1. 2 weeks left. I can't believe in two weeks I'll be on a plane heading back to America...I'm excited to see those I have missed but not excited to begin missing the family I have gained in Bulgaria.

Hosea 12:6
But you must return to your God; maintain love and justice, and wait for your God always.


^ a verse that has been on my heart this summer. I hope you get a chance to read into it :)


I love you guys! 
Sammi

You can sleep when you're dead...

I'm so tired right now...but it's good, I promise. 

This week is going to be a quick top 5 highlight:

5. Legitimate conversations are happening. I feel like God is giving me the strength to be more bold with my faith and how I talk about it. It makes me happy. 

4. Pouring out means pouring in. I'm learning how I feel the love and presence of God is most when I'm pouring out to others.

3. Conflict! My Interpersonal Comm prof would be so proud to hear that the biggest topic of conversation lately has been conflict styles and resolutions. I'm actually applying things I learned in class...go figure. haha. Stay in school, kids, you'll use it some day! 

2. SURPRISE! Got a surprise visit from some of those campers it was so hard to say goodbye to. They just hoped on a train and spent the last few nights in a tent in Gabe and Melissa's backyard. Probably one of my favorite surprises of all time. 

1. God. He's given me this new passion and love for the bible, which most of you know, it has been SO difficult for me to even read it this past year. It's been so cool though. 

Got a surprise from BSue, Gabe and Melissa. Group vacation! We get 2 days rest and then it's back to work :) 

God is so good.

Love y'all!

Sammi

I'll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned...

I can't believe that already half of the summer has passed. It is incredible how quickly time flies. To start things off...I have a few confessions to make. I was not looking forward to this camp we had this last week. I was constantly comparing it to Camp Eagle and didn't think I would make any significant relationships because of language barriers. On top of that, since I was finding myself discouraged by some of my interactions with youth so far...I just thought this camp would be something I could be removed from...and just do my job and peace out. It's funny how I think these things and God laughs at me and does something completely unexpected. Most to all...if not all of you...know about a lot of my adventures at CE and how much I love my campers. These students in Bulgaria...I don't even know how to put it into words. Back in Texas I would be overjoyed when I saw my campers "getting it." But here...at this camp...these kids...they just get it. I feel as though the tables have turned. I am the one learning from them. I am the one being led and they become thrilled when I start "getting it." I can't put into words exactly how this students are, but I am going to try my best. When they arrived, I saw a bunch of kids who were your typical "good looking" group that I honestly thought were there to "hook up" with one another...or didn't have anything better to do. HOW STUPID OF ME! With in the first few hours, I was incredibly humbled when one of the boys who I targeted as the "it" boy of the camp, the good looking, popular, all-guys-want-to-be-him, and all-girls-want-to-be-with-him...sat behind me and randomly while people were talking burst out into songs of praise and stood with his arms stretched out high in worship. SERIOUSLY? Seriously. You mean to tell me of all of the students I have seen this summer HE is the one who is breaking all barriers between Him and Christ in a public place and openly worshiping Him. Good job with that judgement, Sam. Real good job. I hope all of you can hear my sarcasm with those last two sentences. That is just the beginning. I have been overwhelmed with this feeling of surprise day by day. It's like one of those feelings where you weren't expecting anyone to remember your birthday...but then through out that week random people come up to you with these huge sentimental and meaningful gifts you didn't think you would ever get and all you can do to thank them is tear up. Okay, maybe not everyone can relate to that...but we have all seen something like that in the movies, right? These students love with an unconditional love and excitement and openness I don't think I have ever witnessed. Everyone is included. When I think I have figured out what the different "groups" at the camp are...they change. And did I mention how incredibly talented they all are?! I can't even tell you how amazing they all are. One of the guys even writes his own songs...and they are songs that I would actually want to buy on ITunes. Most of you know how critical I am about music and I am not saying this to be supportive of one of my campers...but this kid, if he doesn't do something with music in his future I'm going to fly back to Bulgaria and punch him because he is that talented. And he's not the only one, either. The girls, man are they all beautiful. And sweet and caring and you can tell that they have this passion and longing to be loved. I don't mean that they are desperate for humanly affection...but love from God that is never ending. They ache for it and you can see it in the way they worship. It is such an indescribable sight that I still can't believe I was able to be a part of.
I have been writing how for the past few years I have been having this overwhelming feeling of being alone that I just can't get away from. After this week, I feel so stupid and self-centered. Because these kids that I just attempted to describe are not only desperate for Jesus...but most to all of them are in a place where they are the ONLY followers. Just try to imagine...being 1 student out of 1,000 in your school who believes in Christ. This is reality for most of these kids. And yet, they hold strong. I don't mean to say they don't struggle with temptation or hurt or sin...I am sure it is just as prominent in their lives as it is in mine, or maybe even more. BUT they still hold strong to Jesus. To be in the types of situations they are put into and they still find their firm foundation in Christ floors me. It makes me feel like I've been striving for this comfort and "feeling" of closeness with Christ but assuming that I don't have to work and actually strive for it. Yes, Christ will meet us where we are at...but we have to ask him. Kind of forgot that part of it. I'm now having this feeling of loss. These students may never understand how much I have learned from them and how much I have grown to love them and how I continue to grow to love them every day. I just think about my campers back in the States and how much I miss them everyday and how I mourn that they are half a country away. That I can only hear their voice on the phone occasionally or exchange conversation via facebook...but I'm realizing that I'm going to be missing students, now, that are half the world away. I guess in this way my whole heart is craving and aching and hoping that they continue to strive and long for Christ so that we can be reunited in eternity to praise our father together forever.
Okay now that I have finished, as best I could, about these students...I have had some really cool experiences with them during the night activities. I have been deemed the "artistic coordinator" who is in charge of the "acting type" activities. Cool right?! So these students have been put into different skits all week. All improv and I don't think I have ever laughed so hard while watching improv. They are all so funny! And how cool that God has presented a way to combine the two things I'm most passionate about...working with youth in a church setting and doing something with theater, and I have already mentioned how the music is amazing as well. Man I feel blessed.
I haven't even mentioned the American group. Ha. I have, until this point in my writing, realized that they haven't been here with us all summer. We have a youth pastor, his wife, 4 girls from their youth group and a boy youth intern who is my age who goes to Huntington University (somewhere I almost went for school...crazy, right?). They are all amazing and I have been blessed by having known them for this week. Their humor is contagious and I am going to miss them so so so much. I feel as though the things that people have been telling me while I've been here is true. My heart is being stretched by God to love so many people that He loves, too. I am starting to understand just a little how Christ must feel when we distance ourselves from Him. How painful that must be, that distance. And just how much he longs for us to come home to Him. Sometimes it is so overwhelming that I just cry. It hurts so bad...and this is just a very small and partial understanding. I don't think I would ever be able to survive with those feelings that Christ has for us. And the funny thing is, is that I am just starting to think that this is a huge way that Christ loves me...by putting these people in my life to love. To have people to care for and I mean that in the emotional sense as well as sometimes that physical sense. For the first time this week...I think in a very long time...I found myself broken for Christ. Feeling just a hint of the pain Christ must feel for his children who are lost. I found myself bent over in pain, sobbing, for some of the girls I have met here who continue to deny God but still are so curious. They are so close but they just don't accept it. I just want to tell them and explain to them and show them how much God desires them and loves them but it's a love that can't be explained. I am learning so much patience...but with that comes pain. I hope that makes sense...but this is something that I don't think I have ever felt before...at least not so strongly.
While all of this is going on...I still found myself being attacked. In the midst of all of this learning I am still being hit with feelings of self-doubt and self-consciousness. Especially today...feelings that I am too fat and that I can't keep up and I am not pretty enough...this sense of fear and doubt is hitting me hard. I feel like each day is a new battle that satan brings. "Here, Sam, you didn't crumble and flee yesterday with that nightmare that I threw your way...so I'm gonna shove some guilt in there while you're eating and give you some temptation to run to the bathroom while I'm at it and see how you hold up them." What a jerk. It's like there are all these voices and each time I look in the mirror there is a different person looking back. Where as before there was the girl I saw as ugly, shy, and fat and now there is a mix of a beautiful, confident woman of God sometimes. Why can't she stay longer?!
It's true. I say I trust. I say I am vulnerable. I allow people to know my story. I allow people to hear what is in my heart. But I don't let them understand. I don't let God understand, even though I know He does... I don't let people love me. I want to, though. I want to let people understand. I want to let God understand and love me. I just don't know how. On top of that I am learning that in conflict or even when something happens that I don't like...I need to tell people and be more direct (something I feel Gabe has been teaching me a lot.) By this...I am letting them in so that can understand me and how Christ made me. I never thought about it like that until just now...go figure. In all reality, I wish life came with a "How To" manual...that would make things a lot easier. But I know that I'm not called to a life of comfort...and I know I'll never be able to fully understand. And in all honestly...I can't even fathom how incredibly hard it would be to understand any of that. I don't think my mind of my heart could contain any of it. I would explode. And because of that, I feel like God tells me to just BE STILL and he will take care of it. It's okay to not know...and He will do it for us. I don't need to be in control (shout out to Debbie and the rivers edge ladies/girls from last summer...haha, sound familiar?). I guess I signed that contract without fully understanding the fine print. I wish I didn't forget things so easily. And to call attention to my comments earlier about being attacked...Christs addresses this in 1 Peter 4:12, "Dear friends, don't be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though somethings strange  were happening to you," and continues in verse 13, "but rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed." Can I just mention how many times this verse has come up this summer...? How about at least 2-3 times a week...if not more. Sign from God? I think yes. 

The very last day of camp has come and gone and it was a huge emotional experience. The morning all of the campers were getting ready to leave a good chunk of the camp got hit with the flu, myself included. I think I was more upset at the fact that I couldn't spend those last moments with our campers. But. Crazy good things happen when God steps in. One of the campers (one of the really musically talented ones) got sick, too. So he and I stayed on one of the couches in the lobby while everyone ate lunch. He started crying, which of course made me cry and told me that he couldn't look at me. That he has never felt love like this before and that he didn't want to leave camp. This is just one of the super difficult goodbyes that happened. There were so many promises of coming to Velingrad to see "the Americans" before they left the country, and I pray that this does happen. Slowly, but surely, all of the campers made their way up to say goodbye. I was asked to write down my contact information and while I was doing that one of the kids asked what my favorite worship song was that we had sang that week. I said "The Stand" and right after I said that they all started singing at the top of their lungs...but not for me. It was a true time of worship...and it was so beautiful to see. For me, it was confirmation from God that these kids GET IT! They understand. I felt like it was a promise that I will see them again in eternity and that God has them in His arms. After that I felt so much more at ease to let them go, though it still hurt. After the tears, hugs and "see you laters" (I wouldn't let them say good bye) I finally let myself mourn. I cried openly about them leaving and didn't care who saw. I feel like this is a first and it was good to get it all out. Even though they have only been gone one day, it feels like I haven't seen them in forever. I got a chance to talk to a lot of them tonight, which was amazing.

I love you all and miss everyone from the States very much. I pray that we are all reunited soon.
Check out my facebook for some pictures with the kids from camp :)

Quotes from the week:
You my guy!
God Wins.

добре шишарка

чаке!

мамо гюаднасюм

I'M ADORABLE! 

Really...? 

Good pinecones, good pinecone, good pinecones, yes yes yes.

Mom, I'm hungry, Mom I'm hungry, Mom I'm hungry. I'm pinecone. 

I angry you!

WHY DID YOU WHY?! 

And these are the days of your servant, David, rebuilding a temple of praise...

So much has happened.

First off, I want to apologize-our internet went down last Sunday and I was not able to submit a journal entry for that week and this Sunday we have a camp starting so I will not be able to get on then either. 

To be honest, so much has happened that I do not know where to start. Because of this, I feel as though this entry will be shorter. (I say this and know full well that it probably will be super long as usual.) 

Fun things we did: 

Went to Sofia and got to be a tourist! I saw all the statues from communism that are still there, went to the Sofia University, and touched the Berlin wall. CRAZY! 

I've met and gotten a chance to hang out with some AMAZING girls here. They all have such beautiful personalities and hearts. They are all so curious and ask so many questions. I'm excited to get to know them better. 

Things that made me sad:

The boys left for a camping trip and we were separated for a few days. But they had a good time and so did BSue, Melissa and I. 

Spiritual warfare:

Being hit HARD. So many nightmares and weird things happening. But, tying this to the title of my blog...even though it's been really tough...the LORD is doing HUGE HUGE things. I have found new victory in Him and He is proving himself as a warrior for me. Crazy but so cool. 

Psalm 18 has been HUGE in my life right now:

I love you, O Lord, my strength.
² The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer,
    my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge,
    my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
³ I call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised,
    and I am saved from my enemies.

⁴ The cords of death encompassed me;
     the torrents of destruction assailed me;^[a]
5 the cords of Sheol entangled me;
    the snares of death confronted me.

⁶ In my distress I called upon the Lord;
    to my God I cried for help.
From his temple he heard my voice,
    and my cry to him reached his ears.

⁷ Then the earth reeled and rocked;
    the foundations also of the mountains trembled
    and quaked, because he was angry.
⁸ Smoke went up from his nostrils,^[b]
    and devouring fire from his mouth;
    glowing coals flamed forth from him.
⁹ He bowed the heavens and came down;
     thick darkness was under his feet.
¹⁰ He rode on a cherub and flew;
    he came swiftly on the wings of the wind.
¹¹ He made darkness his covering, his canopy around him,
    thick clouds dark with water.
¹² Out of the brightness before him
     hailstones and coals of fire broke through his clouds.

¹³ The Lord also thundered in the heavens,
    and the Most High uttered his voice,
    hailstones and coals of fire.
¹⁴ And he sent out his arrows and scattered them;
    he flashed forth lightnings and routed them.
¹⁵ Then the channels of the sea were seen,
    and the foundations of the world were laid bare
at your rebuke, O Lord,
    at the blast of the breath of your nostrils.

¹⁶ He sent from on high, he took me;
    he drew me out of many waters.
¹⁷ He rescued me from my strong enemy
    and from those who hated me,
    for they were too mighty for me.
¹⁸ They confronted me in the day of my calamity,
    but the Lord was my support.
¹⁹ He brought me out into a broad place;
    he rescued me, because he delighted in me.

²⁰ The Lord dealt with me according to my righteousness;
    according to the cleanness of my hands he rewarded me.
²¹ For I have kept the ways of the Lord,
    and have not wickedly departed from my God.
²² For all his rules^[c] were before me,
    and his statutes I did not put away from me.
²³ I was blameless before him,
    and I kept myself from my guilt.
²⁴ So the Lord has rewarded me according to my righteousness,
    according to the cleanness of my hands in his sight.

²⁵ With the merciful you show yourself merciful;
    with the blameless man you show yourself blameless;
²⁶ with the purified you show yourself pure;
    and with the crooked you make yourself seem tortuous.
²⁷ For you save a humble people,
    but the haughty eyes you bring down.
²⁸ For it is you who light my lamp;
    the Lord my God lightens my darkness.
²⁹ For by you I can run against a troop,
    and by my God I can leap over a wall.
³⁰ This God—his way is perfect;^[d]
    the word of the Lord proves true;
    he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him.

³¹ For who is God, but the Lord?
    And who is a rock, except our God?—
³² the God who equipped me with strength
    and made my way blameless.
³³ He made my feet like the feet of a deer
    and set me secure on the heights.
³⁴ He trains my hands for war,
    so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
³⁵ You have given me the shield of your salvation,
    and your right hand supported me,
    and your gentleness made me great.
³⁶ You gave a wide place for my steps under me,
    and my feet did not slip.
³⁷ I pursued my enemies and overtook them,
    and did not turn back till they were consumed.
³⁸ I thrust them through, so that they were not able to rise;
    they fell under my feet.
³⁹ For you equipped me with strength for the battle;
    you made those who rise against me sink under me.
⁴⁰ You made my enemies turn their backs to me,^[e]
    and those who hated me I destroyed.
⁴¹ They cried for help, but there was none to save;
    they cried to the Lord, but he did not answer them.
⁴² I beat them fine as dust before the wind;
    I cast them out like the mire of the streets.

⁴³ You delivered me from strife with the people;
    you made me the head of the nations;
     people whom I had not known served me.
⁴⁴ As soon as they heard of me they obeyed me;
     foreigners came cringing to me.
⁴⁵ Foreigners lost heart
    and came trembling out of their fortresses.

⁴⁶ The Lord lives, and blessed be my rock,
    and exalted be the God of my salvation—
⁴⁷ the God who gave me vengeance
    and subdued peoples under me,
⁴⁸ who delivered me from my enemies;
    yes, you exalted me above those who rose against me;
    you rescued me from the man of violence.

⁴⁹ For this I will praise you, O Lord, among the nations,
    and sing to your name.
⁵⁰ Great salvation he brings to his king,
    and shows steadfast love to his anointed,
    to David and his offspring forever.

I'm learning to let God romance me even more. I don't want anyone to think that I'm 100% back on my game...I'm still hurting, I'm still struggling...probably now more than ever because now I'm actually understanding that I need to help this process move along in healing...but I have new found hope. I have new joy in the Lord. He is teaching me new things. I have a new passion for Him...

I still am having pain reading his word...but it is becoming easier. Same with prayer. I just have to keep doing it. 

Also, I suggest the book "Do you think I'm beautiful" to any girl!!! (Thank you Meegan!)

Conflict! I love the fact that this group brings up conflict and makes me talk about my feelings. Prof. Weitz would be so proud. And a shout out to the feelings group of Interpersonal Comm...I feel weird talking about my feelings without yall. haha. I have had a lot of accountability in this area. I have to tell someone that I'm mad at them and why. And then we have to talk about it. Surprisingly it works and I'm getting better at telling people things and I don't dwell on it afterward. Hmmm...I still need to be called out on stuff. So. For those of you I'm coming home to. If I seemed closed off...force me to talk about things. If there is a conflict...make me talk about it. Motto of this section: it isn't awkward unless you make it awkward. 

Next blog I will be focusing on the short term American group coming in as well as the camp that is starting in 2 DAYS! 

I love you guys! 

Sammi

These Bones Cry Out...These Dry Bones Cry Out...

This weeks Top 10 favorite things:
10. Joy. I found myself joyful in stressful situations which I feel like at this point can only be from the Lord.
9. I got a chance to really connect with the youth on our rock climbing trip. It was really great to joke around with them even if there is a language barrier.
8. Worship. Not my type of worship, but it's good to sing praises to Him. Even better: my voice hasn't been hurting as bad so I can actually sing, so that is pretty cool.
7. Group unity. I love that we are growing even closer together, especially with Gabe and Melissa. It's like we are one big family and I love it.
6. Open doors. I'm graduating college soon, and the Lord has opened a lot of opportunities for me in the future and I'm excited to see the path He is leading me down.
5. Endurance. Spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically I am drained. But. God has made me more reliant on prayer to keep me going, which is cool.
4. Yearning. Something I haven't felt in a long time is yearning to be with God. To climb to the highest mountain and cry out. To be able to lay out in an open field and feel the stars around me. To have a closeness with God. To want that is difficult but good.
3. A broken heart. "Break my heart for what breaks yours." (hillsong) I have slowly been falling apart for those here. Wanting them to know the freedom that awaits them and knowing how badly they want to be loved. Many come from broken homes or have absent parents because of job situations. There is nothing that I can do to fill those gaps, but I know God can.
2. Sewing. Realizing that planting relationships and helping them grow is just as important, if not more important than the end result. Even if I don't get to witness the outcomes, I know that when it is left in God's hands, it will be beautiful.
1. You're the God of this city. Claiming God's victory over this place. I'm starting to find small glimpses of His light. Noah, Gabe and Melissa's son, was with me at the pool one day. Noah is a little guy and is full of surprises. I'm holding him and he looks at my necklace and says, "Necklace!" and I said "Yep, that's my necklace." Then he says more excitedly, "It's a CROSS!" and I said "Yes, it's a cross." He gets even more excited and said, "Jesus! He died on that so we go to heaven with Him." Child-like faith. I love it.

Thoughts from my heart.
For those of you keeping up with my personal healing-here is what is going on.
There has been a lot of going on for sure. Especially dealing with attacks from Satan. This is just a journal entry that I think may explain things...
June 24, 2012:
Ways to recognize an attack:
-Thinking that others comments are related to me.
Trusting that it isn't aimed at me
Truth: This nations stronghold is body image. They find their self worth in how they look.

I find my identity in Christ and I am beautiful. Out of everyone, Christ has picked ME for so many things. 
Prayer: to truly see myself as beautiful. My body is a temple for God. I need to take care of it as such in what I eat and my activity. Why would I long for God in a place I don't take care of? Even the most beautiful  places hold no significance unless I identify it as beautiful and significant. God calls ME: my heart, my mind, my body, my soul...every inch of me beautiful and blessed. Christ claims me as his own beloved and has asked me to dance with Him. He will only let the most worth man cut in.

Don't let any "almost" lovers break your heart. It doesn't mean YOU'RE unworthy, it means that God isn't letting them cut in because God knows THEY aren't good enough and has someone better in store. STOP trying to better yourself. Embrace how God designed you. Love the sensitive heart you've been blessed with. It no longer looks inward with self pity, but connects and reaches outward to break for others so that they may come to understand God's compassion for it is now God's heart than beats in you. The broken pieces that you thought had been taken away forever have been restored by God's own heart. the parts that lovers have stolen have turned to dust and they no longer can claim them. Your heart is now made stronger. With that, don't be afraid to LOVE because even if you get hurt, God can turn it around and make you that much stronger. Let yourself rely on His strength because without that, your heart would not even be able to mend.   

My whole life I have been so afraid of my past. What I have done, what I haven't done and if I have wronged or hurt anyone. The past is the past. Stop dwelling in it. I have to stop apologizing for the way I was made. Yes, I'm sensitive. Yes, I'm fearful. But it's because of a broken past. I want to stop relying on my past "mistakes" and learn to rely on God.
A huge theme this summer for me is dancing with Jesus. It's something that I started longing for last summer and it was hugely put on Britney Sue's heart as well which is awesome. Not to mention the book I am reading right now "Do You Think I Am Beautiful?" focuses on our dance with Christ. So many times I feel like I'm in this intimate relationship with God and then someone else comes along and I let them cut in. Slowly, but surely, we move away on the dance floor leaving God behind. And when the boy leads me into a spin, I turn around and he's gone, leaving me broken and wounded on the floor with a million people in between me and my original partner who has been waiting for me to come back to Him. All I need to do is dust myself off and run back to Him and continue our dance...but I am so ashamed that I let that happen that I stay down and wait for another man to ask me to dance. Time after time this happens and the more and more crowded the room gets. Finally I'm left there scared and alone with bits of my heart gone and with no trust left. Too afraid to let another man be near me but longing for that love as well.
This is when I am lifted off the ground, my feet placed on top of His and we continue our dance. Me, not needed any effort, but just relaxing, relying on His arms and regaining strength and trust. In this time He is taking His own heart and giving it to me to make mine new and whole again.
Yes, I have a rough history as far as relationships go...I feel as though everyone has. I am realizing that I have never let God heal my heart and that time and time again I just run into a new one hoping that they will help heal my heart. Britney Sue said it correctly that I long so much for love that I pour out and pour out and pour out love and get hurt because love from human beings can not take the place of Christ's love. Yes, that is a way for God to love me is through a relationship, however, I can't be fully healed by someone else. That healing can only come from God Himself. He will let a good man cut in. Until then, I am fine to let Him lead. I am no longer afraid.
In regards to my past, I always let it define me. Well, that is no longer the case. This is me. Here and now. I have flaws, we all do. But Christ's love is unconditional and covers me. I will find joy and freedom in that.


And here is my homework...literally...
More about my internship:

(1) How do you fit into the organizational chart where you work?
Well, I'm an intern. I focus more on building relationships with girls ages 12-19 in the Velingrad area. We take them on outdoor adventure trips like hiking, camping, rock climbing and mountain biking. We will be leading camps soon and I will be helping as a counselor. I have been working on high light and promotional videos for True Horizons, the outdoor adventure organization that Gabe and Melissa started here.
How does the formal organizational chart seem to compare with the informal system? Where do
you fit there?
I feel like my position is very flexible and enjoy the work set before me. We are halfway inbetween prepping and diving full on into the camp and interactions with the students. Each week is something new. I just kind of go and do what I am told. We debrief each encounter and have a planning session at the beginning of each week.
(2) What kinds of tasks are you doing routinely?
(see above)
How does your knowledge of
communication principles help you accomplish these tasks?
Non-verbal communication is HUGE! Since there is a language barrier, I rely a lot on body language as well as attempting to talk slowly so that those who do know english a little bit can understand what I am saying. I also have been focusing on different ways of communicating besides speaking. Gestures, games, using a translator and even just walking with someone without talking has proven to be effective. Even if we can't talk to them, playing a game of soccer is a good way to bond with someone.
What skills and concepts do you feel you lack?
I want to learn Bulgarian. That is a huge thing that I feel is keeping me from fully communicating with the students.
(3) What values seem to be most important in the workplace?
Gabe, Melissa and Britney Sue all make sure that we are doing alright mentally, physically and spiritually. Our health is very important and making sure the kids stay safe is probably one of the most important things.
How do people articulate or enact those values? Do these values mesh with your own values?
We are with each other all day pretty much every day. We understand how we all are and check up on one another. We have talks to make sure everyone is on top of their game. We make it a point to voice if we aren't doing well. As far as student safety goes, we go through how we do safety talks and each of us has a few students we look after in regards to: are they staying hydrated, do they have helmets, are they keeping up with the group. etc. Yes, these values match mine. 
(4) What kinds of relationships seem to exist among employees? What kinds of
relationships are you forming?
Like I have said, we are becoming a family. It's a beautiful thing to witness and be apart of.
(5) What factors seem to contribute most to employee satisfaction and productivity?
We are all open and honest with each other. Gabe came out right away and said that he was a direct person. He tells it like it is. Melissa is good with details and is able to explain things more in depth. Britney focuses on us and how we are doing specifically. I feel like all areas are covered. They also focused on each of our strengths and put us in charge of specific things. Tyler is leading mountain biking, Hunter is leading camping and I am leading with Gabe on rock climbing. It's a pretty neat system. We also have the freedom to call up students to just hang out when we have free time, which is really nice. They give us a way to hang out with them with movies nights as well as Zumba classes that me, Britney and Melissa lead.
What factors seem to be contributing to your feelings about the job?
Everything is centered around God. Gabe and Melissa are here doing God's work and myself and my team are here to serve them and God. It's really cool how smoothly things have fallen together.


Overall. Shout out to my best friend, Gretchen! Happy (belated) 22nd Birthday! I love you!!!!!
3 weeks down, 7 left to go :)
I love y'all
<3
Sam