I want to preface these entries with the fact that I will be vulnerable. I will be open to my past, present including fears, struggles and rejoices and excitement.
For this specific entry, I want to clear up as much as possible. It will be intense, but needed to see where I am coming from during the rest of this summer. With that being said...
16 days until I leave for training in Ft. Meyer's Florida and about 23 days until I leave the country. I can't believe how quickly things have been happening. I think this is possibly the fastest yet most slow moving process I have ever been a part of.
In preparation for this summer, I've been trying to go bike riding as much as possible. My mind was racing today and I thought this might be the place to let all of my thoughts out. I'm going to try to make this as organized as possible, but for those of you who know me, I am not the most organized person.
My realizations for today have been ridiculous:
1. I'm afraid of being alone.
2. I will never retire.
3. I am a care giver.
4. I'm forgiven, even if I don't want to be.
5. I'm scared beyond belief.
6. I don't let people love me, including God.
7. I get uncomfortable easily.
8. I'm a handful.
9. I am fragile.
10. I am constantly learning.
1. I am afraid of being alone: A fear I feel a lot of people have. This summer will be interesting. Me, Tyler, Hunter and Britney Sue with Gabe and Melissa--will these be the only people I can talk to directly without a translator? The idea of being alone in a huge group of people like that is a scary thing to face. This past year has not been the easiest in regards to feeling loved or welcome (which is silly, but it's a hurdle I'm having to overcome). So, with my range of people to be able to "talk" to being so limited, I'm just a bit nervous about that. I know, however, that the Lord will provide.
2. I will never retire: Yep. I don't feel like I will ever stop working. Some of y'all may be thinking.."that sounds awful." Well, I'm actually happy about this realization. I don't like having down time. I like doing things. I like moving and having a lot of things to do. The idea of sitting idle somewhere sounds like the worst thing ever to me. Knowing that I will be used continuously through out my life, even after my time of "working" is over...it's a nice thing to know and welcome with open arms. I never want to stop working for Christ.
3. I am a care giver: I love taking care of others. To be honest, I feel as though this is a selfish act. I get a chance to forget about me. I am not perfect. I don't pretend to be perfect..though it's something I long for...silly, right? By taking care of someone else, I stop worrying about all the crap in my own life. I focus on them. On the flip side of that...I can't put into words how I feel about people. I can't find the words to say to comfort people. Unfortunately, to put this bluntly, I suck at it. I've been so blessed with some occasions where the Lord has spoken through me and given me the right things to say but in all reality, I can't say the right things on my own. I love others through touch, which is a blessing and not all at the same time. The only way I feel I can communicate that I care for or love someone is by a hug or holding their hand.
4. I am forgiven, even if I don't want to be: Alright, everyone throws them: pity parties. I am the MASTER at these fests. It is not something I'm proud of. Has there ever been a time where you feel like you fail and fail again and no matter what you do it just gets worse AND the last thing you want to hear is someone telling you that even though you screwed up super bad, you are still forgiven? Ah, the actual pity party definition. I find this happening with many people in my life who I have asked to hold me accountable for various things. When I screw up, I tell them and feel awful and when they try to comfort me I shoot down whatever they have to say and make some excuse as to why that doesn't apply to me. How hurtful and frustrating is that for them?! The truth is is that I am my worst critic. I hold myself to this sometimes unachievable standard and when I fail I tear myself down thinking that the last thing I deserve is forgiveness and mercy. Within that I sometimes think that I am in charge of things that I can not possibly do. For example: during my summers at Camp Eagle (shameless plug www.campeagle.org), I would see all these other counselors having campers accept Christ each week and have all of these crazy experiences and I wouldn't see anything out of the ordinary with my kids...well first-there is always more than what is seen at surface level and second-I'm not called to give someone salvation. I can't do that for someone. I, WE, have been placed to plant and help nurture and grow seeds. We are not the only ones put in someones life to "change" them. For all I know I could be the 57 person to have some sort of christian influence on someones life and it may not be until the 91st person that that person accepts Christ. Just because I don't sit down with someone and tell them the gospel and have them recite a prayer doesn't mean the Lord isn't using me through my actions and how I interact with people. How amazing is it that He gave us this way to witness. It's beautiful. And the most amazing part that I always seem to forget is that even before I've sinned, I am forgiven. I am continuously wiped clean and made renew. For me to wallow is self pity is just silly. I should rejoice in the freedom I have been given.
5. I am scared beyond belief: For some of you who know me well, you know that I haven't been on the top of my game as of recent. Over this past semester I was "officially" told I have an eating disorder which has sprouted problems with anxiety. I was scared out of my mind that I would be told that I couldn't go to Bulgaria with all of this on my plate. I was in this awful mindset that I had to make myself perfect and/or accomplish so much before I could minister to others. God continuously amazes me with who He puts in my life and how He uses these things in our lives to help each other. For that, I am incredibly grateful. As for this trip, of course being out of the country and comfort zone is scary! But I am not called to stay comfortable. A lot of people may see me as "extreme" or one of those "radical Christians" and maybe I am, but this is how I know we have been called to live and though I am scared, I know God will use this and amazing things will come from this. Though this has been a extremely tough time in my life, this is just my time of mourning, and in that there is time for dancing and laughing and rejoicing. I know that it is times like these that make me that much more grateful for the happy times. "There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning."
6. I don't let people love me, including God: For all of the reasons listed above and then some, I am, a lot of the time, incapable for letting people love me. It sucks. I want to let people love me and I become so closed off, mainly because of my own insecurities. I want to keep my facade of being "strong" up around me and I have come to the conclusion that I can't do it anymore, which I'll get to later. This, I feel, goes hand in hand with not being able to accept forgiveness. For those of you who have tried time and time again to love me and have been shut out, I am truly sorry and I want to thank you for loving me from afar in those situations.
7. I get uncomfortable easily: I am so awkward. I, seriously, am such an awkward person. I embrace this and accept it. However, it doesn't mean I'm not uncomfortable in most situations. I know that I will be learning to fully rely on the Lord speaking and working through me because it is beyond me how I'll be able to effectively do things for Him being as weird as I am. One of my biggest goals is to learn to be comfortable in my own skin and love who He has made me to be. It isn't going to be easy, but I have faith that one day, I will be able to love myself.
8. I'm a handful: Yep, I've been through a lot in my life time. I don't have the easiest life and I by no means have the hardest life either. I've been given my fair share of trials and triumphs. It seems as though my list of "events" keeps piling up...and it gets overwhelming a lot of the time. The funny thing is is that I always try to "fix it." I want to fix things to make them better. Of course, every time I try and do that I end up making things ridiculously worse and more complicated. So silly. A dear friend of mine recently got to go to a seminar where they taught them that sometimes things happen...things that can't be mended and we have to let those things go. No matter how badly I want to "fix" things...I gotta just let them be and stop trying to force things to be perfect.
9. I am fragile: I am easily breakable. Right now, I'm finding myself broken, shattered, damaged goods...whatever you want to label it as...I am that. Like I was saying before, I can't put up my facade of being this strong person...I'm not strong...I can't physically pretend that everything is okay. Everything is NOT okay. I take offence to things too easily. I am too judgmental of myself. I think about myself way too much. I am so scared of becoming more broken that I forget about other people. The cool thing is that God can fix me, give me as much duck tape and bubble wrap as my heart desires and make me brand new, if not better than before.
10. I am constantly learning. Even within the time that it has taken me to write this, I have found new hope and joy. I can't wait to share all that I learn this summer with y'all.
So...Yes. I am broken. I am not perfect. I am scared. I hate admitting all of this, because I fear what other people think of me. I find my worth in other people. But I'm growing. I'm learning. I'm giving up. Literally. I give up. I have come to the conclusion that in this pain and suffering that I'm done. I can't go on trying to do this alone. There has already been set backs, and the long process of 2 steps forward, 1 step back is rearing it's ugly head in my direction, but I know that God is going to show me so much and use my brokenness in ways I can't even fathom. I did not intend this entry to give glory to my sin, throw a special little pity party or to draw attention to myself, but I feel as though if y'all didn't know my struggles, you wouldn't be able to rejoice with me in my triumphs with the Lord this summer.
I want to be held accountable this summer. I need your prayers and support in this. Prayer is so powerful and I have already been blown away with the Lords faithfulness through prayer already. My next entry I will be for sure focusing on the exciting news about support raising.
Until then, I love you all very much. Know that you are loved beyond reason by our King and are being used in everything that you do. Don't forget to give the glory back to Him.
Psalm 45:11-Let the King be enthralled by your beauty.
God Bless,
Sam
