I can't believe that already half of the summer has passed. It is incredible how quickly time flies. To start things off...I have a few confessions to make. I was not looking forward to this camp we had this last week. I was constantly comparing it to Camp Eagle and didn't think I would make any significant relationships because of language barriers. On top of that, since I was finding myself discouraged by some of my interactions with youth so far...I just thought this camp would be something I could be removed from...and just do my job and peace out. It's funny how I think these things and God laughs at me and does something completely unexpected. Most to all...if not all of you...know about a lot of my adventures at CE and how much I love my campers. These students in Bulgaria...I don't even know how to put it into words. Back in Texas I would be overjoyed when I saw my campers "getting it." But here...at this camp...these kids...they just get it. I feel as though the tables have turned. I am the one learning from them. I am the one being led and they become thrilled when I start "getting it." I can't put into words exactly how this students are, but I am going to try my best. When they arrived, I saw a bunch of kids who were your typical "good looking" group that I honestly thought were there to "hook up" with one another...or didn't have anything better to do. HOW STUPID OF ME! With in the first few hours, I was incredibly humbled when one of the boys who I targeted as the "it" boy of the camp, the good looking, popular, all-guys-want-to-be-him, and all-girls-want-to-be-with-him...sat behind me and randomly while people were talking burst out into songs of praise and stood with his arms stretched out high in worship. SERIOUSLY? Seriously. You mean to tell me of all of the students I have seen this summer HE is the one who is breaking all barriers between Him and Christ in a public place and openly worshiping Him. Good job with that judgement, Sam. Real good job. I hope all of you can hear my sarcasm with those last two sentences. That is just the beginning. I have been overwhelmed with this feeling of surprise day by day. It's like one of those feelings where you weren't expecting anyone to remember your birthday...but then through out that week random people come up to you with these huge sentimental and meaningful gifts you didn't think you would ever get and all you can do to thank them is tear up. Okay, maybe not everyone can relate to that...but we have all seen something like that in the movies, right? These students love with an unconditional love and excitement and openness I don't think I have ever witnessed. Everyone is included. When I think I have figured out what the different "groups" at the camp are...they change. And did I mention how incredibly talented they all are?! I can't even tell you how amazing they all are. One of the guys even writes his own songs...and they are songs that I would actually want to buy on ITunes. Most of you know how critical I am about music and I am not saying this to be supportive of one of my campers...but this kid, if he doesn't do something with music in his future I'm going to fly back to Bulgaria and punch him because he is that talented. And he's not the only one, either. The girls, man are they all beautiful. And sweet and caring and you can tell that they have this passion and longing to be loved. I don't mean that they are desperate for humanly affection...but love from God that is never ending. They ache for it and you can see it in the way they worship. It is such an indescribable sight that I still can't believe I was able to be a part of.
I have been writing how for the past few years I have been having this overwhelming feeling of being alone that I just can't get away from. After this week, I feel so stupid and self-centered. Because these kids that I just attempted to describe are not only desperate for Jesus...but most to all of them are in a place where they are the ONLY followers. Just try to imagine...being 1 student out of 1,000 in your school who believes in Christ. This is reality for most of these kids. And yet, they hold strong. I don't mean to say they don't struggle with temptation or hurt or sin...I am sure it is just as prominent in their lives as it is in mine, or maybe even more. BUT they still hold strong to Jesus. To be in the types of situations they are put into and they still find their firm foundation in Christ floors me. It makes me feel like I've been striving for this comfort and "feeling" of closeness with Christ but assuming that I don't have to work and actually strive for it. Yes, Christ will meet us where we are at...but we have to ask him. Kind of forgot that part of it. I'm now having this feeling of loss. These students may never understand how much I have learned from them and how much I have grown to love them and how I continue to grow to love them every day. I just think about my campers back in the States and how much I miss them everyday and how I mourn that they are half a country away. That I can only hear their voice on the phone occasionally or exchange conversation via facebook...but I'm realizing that I'm going to be missing students, now, that are half the world away. I guess in this way my whole heart is craving and aching and hoping that they continue to strive and long for Christ so that we can be reunited in eternity to praise our father together forever.
Okay now that I have finished, as best I could, about these students...I have had some really cool experiences with them during the night activities. I have been deemed the "artistic coordinator" who is in charge of the "acting type" activities. Cool right?! So these students have been put into different skits all week. All improv and I don't think I have ever laughed so hard while watching improv. They are all so funny! And how cool that God has presented a way to combine the two things I'm most passionate about...working with youth in a church setting and doing something with theater, and I have already mentioned how the music is amazing as well. Man I feel blessed.
I haven't even mentioned the American group. Ha. I have, until this point in my writing, realized that they haven't been here with us all summer. We have a youth pastor, his wife, 4 girls from their youth group and a boy youth intern who is my age who goes to Huntington University (somewhere I almost went for school...crazy, right?). They are all amazing and I have been blessed by having known them for this week. Their humor is contagious and I am going to miss them so so so much. I feel as though the things that people have been telling me while I've been here is true. My heart is being stretched by God to love so many people that He loves, too. I am starting to understand just a little how Christ must feel when we distance ourselves from Him. How painful that must be, that distance. And just how much he longs for us to come home to Him. Sometimes it is so overwhelming that I just cry. It hurts so bad...and this is just a very small and partial understanding. I don't think I would ever be able to survive with those feelings that Christ has for us. And the funny thing is, is that I am just starting to think that this is a huge way that Christ loves me...by putting these people in my life to love. To have people to care for and I mean that in the emotional sense as well as sometimes that physical sense. For the first time this week...I think in a very long time...I found myself broken for Christ. Feeling just a hint of the pain Christ must feel for his children who are lost. I found myself bent over in pain, sobbing, for some of the girls I have met here who continue to deny God but still are so curious. They are so close but they just don't accept it. I just want to tell them and explain to them and show them how much God desires them and loves them but it's a love that can't be explained. I am learning so much patience...but with that comes pain. I hope that makes sense...but this is something that I don't think I have ever felt before...at least not so strongly.
While all of this is going on...I still found myself being attacked. In the midst of all of this learning I am still being hit with feelings of self-doubt and self-consciousness. Especially today...feelings that I am too fat and that I can't keep up and I am not pretty enough...this sense of fear and doubt is hitting me hard. I feel like each day is a new battle that satan brings. "Here, Sam, you didn't crumble and flee yesterday with that nightmare that I threw your way...so I'm gonna shove some guilt in there while you're eating and give you some temptation to run to the bathroom while I'm at it and see how you hold up them." What a jerk. It's like there are all these voices and each time I look in the mirror there is a different person looking back. Where as before there was the girl I saw as ugly, shy, and fat and now there is a mix of a beautiful, confident woman of God sometimes. Why can't she stay longer?!
It's true. I say I trust. I say I am vulnerable. I allow people to know my story. I allow people to hear what is in my heart. But I don't let them understand. I don't let God understand, even though I know He does... I don't let people love me. I want to, though. I want to let people understand. I want to let God understand and love me. I just don't know how. On top of that I am learning that in conflict or even when something happens that I don't like...I need to tell people and be more direct (something I feel Gabe has been teaching me a lot.) By this...I am letting them in so that can understand me and how Christ made me. I never thought about it like that until just now...go figure. In all reality, I wish life came with a "How To" manual...that would make things a lot easier. But I know that I'm not called to a life of comfort...and I know I'll never be able to fully understand. And in all honestly...I can't even fathom how incredibly hard it would be to understand any of that. I don't think my mind of my heart could contain any of it. I would explode. And because of that, I feel like God tells me to just BE STILL and he will take care of it. It's okay to not know...and He will do it for us. I don't need to be in control (shout out to Debbie and the rivers edge ladies/girls from last summer...haha, sound familiar?). I guess I signed that contract without fully understanding the fine print. I wish I didn't forget things so easily. And to call attention to my comments earlier about being attacked...Christs addresses this in 1 Peter 4:12, "Dear friends, don't be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though somethings strange were happening to you," and continues in verse 13, "but rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed." Can I just mention how many times this verse has come up this summer...? How about at least 2-3 times a week...if not more. Sign from God? I think yes.
The very last day of camp has come and gone and it was a huge emotional experience. The morning all of the campers were getting ready to leave a good chunk of the camp got hit with the flu, myself included. I think I was more upset at the fact that I couldn't spend those last moments with our campers. But. Crazy good things happen when God steps in. One of the campers (one of the really musically talented ones) got sick, too. So he and I stayed on one of the couches in the lobby while everyone ate lunch. He started crying, which of course made me cry and told me that he couldn't look at me. That he has never felt love like this before and that he didn't want to leave camp. This is just one of the super difficult goodbyes that happened. There were so many promises of coming to Velingrad to see "the Americans" before they left the country, and I pray that this does happen. Slowly, but surely, all of the campers made their way up to say goodbye. I was asked to write down my contact information and while I was doing that one of the kids asked what my favorite worship song was that we had sang that week. I said "The Stand" and right after I said that they all started singing at the top of their lungs...but not for me. It was a true time of worship...and it was so beautiful to see. For me, it was confirmation from God that these kids GET IT! They understand. I felt like it was a promise that I will see them again in eternity and that God has them in His arms. After that I felt so much more at ease to let them go, though it still hurt. After the tears, hugs and "see you laters" (I wouldn't let them say good bye) I finally let myself mourn. I cried openly about them leaving and didn't care who saw. I feel like this is a first and it was good to get it all out. Even though they have only been gone one day, it feels like I haven't seen them in forever. I got a chance to talk to a lot of them tonight, which was amazing.
I love you all and miss everyone from the States very much. I pray that we are all reunited soon.
Check out my facebook for some pictures with the kids from camp :)
Quotes from the week:
You my guy!
God Wins.
добре шишарка
чаке!
мамо гюаднасюм
I'M ADORABLE!
Really...?
Good pinecones, good pinecone, good pinecones, yes yes yes.
Mom, I'm hungry, Mom I'm hungry, Mom I'm hungry. I'm pinecone.
I angry you!
WHY DID YOU WHY?!
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